: a feeling of fear that causes you to hesitate because you think something bad or unpleasant is going to happen
Emotions are strange, aren’t they? One minute, you are this ball of sunshine which represents full contentment. And the other, you are the gloomy sky which represents desolation.
“Now that I’ve closed another chapter in my book, what’s there to write next?” I can never comprehend the use of analogies. I tried. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I’ve finally completed my sixth form and what’s next for me is… university. Honestly, I didn’t think that I would make it this far.
A couple of days ago, I was clicking my way through several tabs of university research on the Internet. After hours of the endless eye-soring gaze at my reflected computer screen, I had it all figured out… mostly. I planned to do foundation and language courses in Country A and continue my degree in Country B. I also had some planning done on how to be financially stable as an international student, learn to be utterly independent and do whatever adult-ish things you lot usually do.
I had it all figured out.
And I was happy.
“What if it doesn’t turn out the way you want it to be?” What-ifs are one of the most demonic things ever existed.
Before I could wrap everything up, a sense of enigmatic fear built up within me and from there, I ceased to do further research and spent the next couple of days sitting on my lumpy couch, dreading the days whilst not giving much thought on dealing with my future.
Now that I am slightly back on track, I thought about my what-ifs.
1. What if the university in Country A is not recognised in Country B?
2. What if I won’t survive in Country B due to financial problems, racial discrimination and social anxiety?
3. What if I have to stay in Country A to further my studies which I don’t want to because I’m too stubborn?
4. What if I have to live in Country A after completing my degree which I don’t want to?
5. What if people will think low of me for doing my degree in Country A, career-wise?
6. What if I won’t survive in Country A after doing my degree due to its bad case of economical matter?
7. What if I don’t love my course?
And the list goes on.
Now that I’ve read through some of my what-ifs, I realised that Country A gave me a “slight” problem. If only Country A’s PA and government sorted out their priorities, then I (along with other people in my situation) wouldn’t have to live in this vortex of nonsensical turmoil.
Although it’s a little, I’ve made progress today. I’ve decided to check Country A out this month and see where it’ll take me. Moreover, it is best not to rush myself unless I want to end up in an asylum for being overly insane.
While you were reading through, I was actually losing my mind along the way. I thank you for making it this far. I guess you can say that I’M TOO EMOTIONAL TO FUNCTION.
That’s all for now.